I became a part of your story but of course I needed to see where you were to get to where I want us to be. Studied the pages of the past to try to figure out, exactly what made you, shaped you; what heightened your hopes and fueled your doubts. Never lowered my interests , I was captivated with each page, each line, each word from your earlier days. Shocked to know that people had entered your life and in the same effort, walked out leaving you with memories and pain and strife. So now, with us, you and I… I want our story to propel you in the best chapters of our lives. Each smile of each and every single day just marks the beginning of a new page. See I want our tale to overshadow the past and erase those negative moments so we can bask in what we have and where we’re going….
It took a couple of shots from a bottle of some brown liquor to help me see clearer. Soberly, my vision was fine and of course of couple of thoughts of what we used to be ran through my mind but I would distract myself to prevent the feelings or regret from altering my mood, knowing that I wish they could somehow bring me back to you. But by the end of each cup, those suppressed feelings began to erupt and soon I realized your voice was on the other end of my phone, I was out and about and you were relaxing at home. The more we spoke, the more I knew where I’d rather be but my thoughts became slurred words when I’m sure you’d prefer that I had the courage to say it all to your face rather than through the phone with my words drenched with an intoxicated taste….
…Each time we spoke, a sensation ran through me, your voice gave me the same feeling from a classic song being played, that one melody from back in the day that consisted of the smoothest of vibes through harmonies giving me the feeling of goosebumps arising on my skin, unable to stand because you had me so weak in the knees. I miss it, every single day, see because without you here with me all I can do is replay that song over and over again in my head…adding in the wonderful words you said whenever you told me that I was the one you loved and wanted to be with and I can’t forget about that breakdown that would come whenever we kissed….
Time heals all….right?
They don’t see what I see when I look at you and that’s why I hadn’t given up;
but could it be that our views are different cause I’ve been blinded by love?
I’ve come to learn that no one is perfect and I accepted your flaws,
learned to love you for the person you are
because as time moves on,
I start to see someone else and the sight of the one
who captured my heart is slowly becoming a blur.
That presence that used to be that ray
of sunshine throughout my day
has become a cloud as the rain falls from my eyes
Leaving my nights filled with my silent cries, interrupted only by a sniff
before I drift in the midst
of nightmares causing nights of despair
you’re not even aware
of how I hurt,
do you care?
I love and give and give and love
and all I receive
are nights of anxiety
and attacks on my lungs.
This wasn’t included in the blissful dreams I had for me and you,
for you and I,
I dreamt of nothing but good times,
a future filled with smiles
but reality has been a rude awakening
and now I’m left
with nothing but questions.
See months ago,
my tone didn’t sound like this
I use to speak words of love and now,
I just try to stay busy so I don’t reminisce.
I felt lucky because you chose me,
And soon you even offered me the key
To that heart of yours…but,
you switched up and changed the locks by the time I got to the door…
“If I never needed You before, to show up and restore all of the faith that I let slip, while I was yet searching the world for more…” Smokie Norful “I Need You Now”
I just want you to understand that He has a plan, so the days where you feel the weight of your troubles holding your head down, never forget that He will always place His hand under your chin, lifting your head high, eyes to the sky, your tears may fall but soon they will dry and the pain you feel will not compare to that joy that follows those nights
I surrender myself in her presence,
happily I take the sentence of a thousand moments in her existence.
Stretch my arms out, wrists pushed together awaiting the cuffs
but that wouldn’t be enough to
signify the hold she has on me.
I was blinded by pain, she helped me to see;
my mind was filled with doubts, she helped me to trust.
I was afraid of commitment but she has me thinking about of future for “us.”
I used to stray from the idea of this kind of connection,
think of me as an outlaw of affection,
refused to be locked down by love;
but when I find myself immersed in her essence that was more than enough…
to separate myself from the fear of opening up
and allowing someone in.
Giving them the opportunity to become familiar with my story from the beginning.
While my cover was dark, blank, not something to instantly catch one’s eye
she didn’t allow that judgement to change her mind.
Taking the time to to study each page,
from the current stresses to the memories from my early age.
Am I falling for her? I could lie and say no…
I could lie and say that I wish I wasn’t but slowly I’m descending towards the floor
and as I land I’m comforted by her endearing ways,
her caring words from day to day.
Her company is greatly appreciated, treasured to say the least
and i consider myself blessed that she took a chance with me…
“Give her her space, it’s no reason for you to try to rush”- Elhae-Situations
Night falls so she kicks back,
gracefully pops the cap off her selected beverage for the evening.
She leans back to relax,
eyes closed accompanied only by the thoughts in her mind
where her dreams are held tight
while the trials from life
attempt to loosen up that grasp.
Firmly she raises her glass
and takes a sip until that alcohol hits….
enough for her to forget and no longer focus on the pain
that continues to build up from bad days
and from a distance, all I can do is listen and empathize as I pray;
hoping that God protects her while I sit and wish I could provide the certainty that everything that is meant for her will be.
Relying on my faith to give her the positive vibes she needs
to sustain a piece of inner peace,
sending her messages to invite the presence of her smile back to her face because any event that causes it to hide is simply a shame…
“Breaking up is hard , to move along is even harder…” -Wale
“Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”
they say and yet you might still feel the pain from this faithful day
when I decided that we need to go our separate ways.
Forgive me for what I’ve done
but understand that it was a time that just had to come.
Slowly we began to grow apart when it took so little for us to connect,
to click, it was like my eyes focused in on you and my heart said “yep, that’s it,
that’s the one” and everyone else become blurry in my view,
it was as if I was sleeping with my eyes open, saw you in my dreams, blinked and you came true.
See it’s memories like that, that make it harder to say this,
and I know your wondering how I can come to this conclusion after that brief moment I had to reminisce.
I’ve seen a change in you and not one that makes me smile
because I didn’t know you anymore and it’s been happening for a while.
That person that I met, got to know, and inevitably fell in love with on that day way back when,
turned into a stranger when they were once not just a lover, but even simply a friend.
So I’m done with the person who causes me pain and tears to run down my face,
let me know if you ever find the person who caused my smile to appear with such grace.
Maybe you’ll realize what I’m saying when I’m no longer in your presence,
you know that actions speak louder than words so consider this the prelude to my absence.
“If I part, my art will live through you..”
Al Be Back, “Good Night” by Kanye West
When it comes to the use of my words, normally I’m just chilling,
But when i get the urge to share a piece I know I gotta kill it.
And everyone is nodding so it’s evident that they feel it,
I treat these words like drugs so please believe I’m about to deal them.
You say you want your fix, I have exactly what you need.
I’ll have brain flowing metaphors and similes;
I’ll have your thoughts gone with my use of imagery,
and if I soften up my tone, I might weaken up your knees.
See with this talent that I possess
in the way that I choose to express
the feelings that build up inside
and thoughts that take over my mind,
it’s only right I share my supply and inevitably get you high.
You might get addicted but I promise you won’t die,
unless you cannot live without my poetry in your life.
But don’t worry because I promise to adhere to the demand
of this particular style of art as it stems from my hands
when each thought forms in my head and makes up each new line;
so just sit back, relax, take a hit from my work and feel your thoughts unwind.
Slowly becoming numb
to the actions that are done
towards me when me my feelings become involved,
the problem of love in my life is like a giant Rubik’s cube with no chance being solved.
I just can’t seem to grasp how I continuously fall into the trap of expectations
as my mind is full of thoughts, constantly racing
just to find myself back where I started…at the bottom, tainted, not completely broken hearted.
Just trying to keep faith in the days ahead while I attempt to cancel out the memories from the past:
the words that were said and the plans that were made,
starting to feel as if my heart will never perform on that big stage
cause it seems as if every time I get a chance to play a role in someone’s life,
the curtains close as soon I get over my stage fright.
Back at square one as another opportunity has departed
and I’m left back where I started…at the bottom, tainted, not completely broken hearted.
Left to go through the same motions again,
finding someone who appeals to me, work my way up to being their friend.
Then I begin to charm them with my words,
that’s the easy part for me
but then I think about commitment and that’s where things get scary
cause that means I have to open up and they will too
but that means vulnerability will awaken and stroll on through.
Attempts to build trust so they let their guard down,
being a reason to smile if they feel the need to frown,
sending kind words their way
just to add a little shine to what may be a dark day…
but if it’s not the right person, sooner or later those efforts go astray
and soon their presence starts to fade
but by that time a road laced with feelings has been paved
and I find myself on a path to a dead end
when it looked so promising as a connection commenced
but that was when I started and I think I’ll just find comfort right here for a while…
tainted of course, not broken hearted.